Tribulation
by Lu-Em
Summary: JC Short Story. More of an inter-episode rather than an episode addition. Janeway questions the choices she has made regarding her relationship with Chakotay after he is held hostage by aliens.


Disclaimer: Paramount Picture own Star Trek Voyager characters! 

**Not quite an episode addition, more like an "inter-episode" addition, set in mid-season 6**

**Tribulation PG13**

It was well past midnight. Kathryn Janeway lay in her bed, but she couldn't sleep. Too many thoughts occupied her mind. It had been a terrible few days. A hostile species had attacked them without provocation, and without warning, and had taken several crewmembers prisoner. Chakotay had been amongst them and, when he had refused to give them the information they demanded, they had tortured him.

Eventually, she and her crew had managed to defeat the aliens and rescue the prisoners, but it had been a hard victory. Tom had told her that when they retrieved Chakotay, he was barely recognisable. His body was bloody, burnt, bruised, and bones in all his limbs were broken. The Doctor had been reluctant to give her details of all the things they had actually done to him, but she had insisted. That had been a mistake. Before he had even got half way through, her stomach had heaved and she'd been physically sick. Not even the Cardassians were so cruel.

Chakotay was recovering in his quarters now, no permanent damage, but Kathryn couldn't get the bloody and broken image of him she had evoked out of her mind. If she did manage too, it was only for a few seconds. And even then it was replaced with another just as haunting. She would never forget the pain in Chakotay's eyes when he had finally regained consciousness. His usually bright eyes were dull, and he'd said barely a word. Every part of her had wanted to take him in her arms and hold him tight, but as always their positions had been a barrier, and she had simply put her hand on his shoulder.

A hand on the shoulder.

She felt so ashamed, felt so disgusted, that a hand on the shoulder was the only comfort she had offered him. He had needed his best friend, not his captain, and she had let him down. Just as she had let him down for years. She was so scared of facing up to her feelings for him that she preferred to shut them out and pretend they didn't exist. It was so much easier that way. At least it always had been. It wasn't easier now. Perhaps it was time for her to stop hiding Kathryn behind the Captain and face up to her feelings for him, to their feelings for each other. If she didn't, and if she didn't right now, she would never forgive herself.

Steeling herself with that thought, Kathryn made her way to Chakotay's quarters, only a white satin dressing gown over a matching nightie. It wasn't a long journey as his quarters were right next door. With a trembling finger she rang the door bell, but only silence answered. Using her override command, Kathryn entered the quarters. As the doors shut behind her, she looked around. All was dark, silent. Then a soft sound came to her attention, very faint, muffled. But the pain in the sound was deafening.

Kathryn followed the sound to Chakotay's bedroom and found him curled up in bed, weeping painfully. He looked up with a start when he saw his captain and best friend standing in the doorway.

"Kathryn?" He asked. "Did I wake you?"

"No," she said quietly.

Slowly she moved towards the bed and sat on the edge of it. Tears welled in her eyes and she reached for Chakotay's hands and held them tight in hers. "I'm sorry, Chakotay. I'm so sorry..."

"I'm alright," he said quietly. "I'm just... It's what they did to my mind...what they showed me... They made me relive the worst moments of my life over and over and then used those horrors to create new ones...terrible images... It's those that are haunting me..."

Kathryn squeezed his hands. "Do you want to tell me about them?"

"No," he replied. "They're too awful to share. And I don't want to relive them again. I just want to forget."

Kathryn looked at him sadly, his pain hurting her. "Perhaps it would be best to have the doctor erase the memories."

"No. I don't want that. I don't believe in wiping out part of our existence. However bad an experience, we can use it to grow in some way. Perhaps even use it to help someone else. It's only when we've suffered something ourselves that we can really understand someone elses pain."

"But if it would help you to have these memories erased, then I think they should be. You don't always have to be helping others."

Chakotay gave a wan smile at that. "The same could be said of you." He paused. "I'll be alright, Kathryn. Don't worry about me."

Kathryn knew he was trying to be reassuring, but the gesture only hurt her even more. He had been through hell and yet he was still thinking of her. Tenderly she put her hand to his cheek. "You've been through hell, Chakotay. You don't have to be strong. Don't have to pretend...Not with me..."

Chakotay lowered his eyes and fresh tears brimmed under his lashes. Kathryn caressed his face softly, tenderly traced the course of his tattoo. Then, as though drawn to him like metal to magnet, she slowly raised her lips to his and closed her eyes just as they were to touch...

But they touched only air.

Kathryn opened her eyes and Chakotay got out of the bed. He was agitated, breathless, tearful. Wearing only black boxer shorts, he turned to the window and gazed out vacantly.

"Go back to your quarters, Kathryn," he said firmly, but not unkindly.

Kathryn got to her feet, protesting. "Chakotay..."

"Just go. Please."

His taut body shivered, trembled, struggled to hold on to the last reigns of emotional control.

"I'm not leaving," Kathryn replied, walking over to the other side of the bed. "I've ran away one time too many."

Chakotay's strong arms leant against the window ledge, his head lowered. "Please, Kathryn. Don't do this to me, not now."

Kathryn reached him and stood very close. "I want to be here for you..."

"I know you do," he replied. "You always want to be there for everyone. But for me, it's better that you're not here." His voice cracked and he turned to her. "You know how I feel about you. Don't hurt me more than I hurt already..."

"And you know how I feel about you. You must..."

"Yes. I know you better than you know yourself. I know that right now your heart is aching because of my pain. You want to alleviate it somehow, want to soothe my suffering. But that's now, here in this darkness of midnight in the midst of our pain. Tomorrow, you will shut me out the way you always shut me out."

"No, I..."

"It's true, Kathryn. I know you." Tears flooded his eyes as he looked into hers. "And I don't want your pity or your body offered to me as a hollow comfort. That's not what I want for us, and not what I want from you."

Kathryn stepped even closer. "You're right, Chakotay. I am thinking with my heart and not my head right now. But maybe because I want too. Maybe I've decided not to silence the voice in my heart anymore."

"And a 'maybe' isn't good enough, Kathryn," Chakotay said tearfully. "I love you. I love you more than I've ever loved anyone or ever could. Being here with you now, being so close, but not being able to touch you, it's more of a torture than anything I suffered on that planet."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek.

"If there's going to be a time for us," Chakotay continued, "then there will be a time. But now isn't it. You're captain of this ship and I'm your First Officer. We can't cross that line."

Kathryn lowered her eyes, her body trembling. "What you mean is I won't cross that line. You would."

"No," he replied kindly. "Not with you. While we're on this ship, Kathryn will always be subordinate to the Captain, and I couldn't ask the Captain to be less than what she is." A tear ran down his cheek. "I know you love me, Kathryn. For a long time I never dared dream that you could, but I know that you do. And even though it hurts, it brings me comfort too."

Kathryn looked up at him, her own pain in his eyes. "I wish I could show you how much, Chakotay. I wish I could be all that you need. You don't know how hard it is sometimes...the battle."

"I do," he whispered. "And that's another reason why we can't make it harder. It might seem right now, but it won't tomorrow, or the day after that. You'll regret it. And in your regret, I'll find regret too. Our love deserves more." He reached out and tentatively brushed his fingers against her tearful cheek. "I want you so much, Kathryn, so much it's a physical agony. But not like this. If I am to make love with you, I want it to be the first time of forever. I want it to be somewhere beautiful, somewhere we can lose ourselves in bliss. Not here, not in this darkness of mind and soul."

Kathryn took his hand in hers, her eyes searching his. "There will be a time for us, Chakotay. I promise you there.."

Chakotay silenced her with a finger to her lips. "No promises. We still have a long way to go, many more lonely nights. I don't want you to be alone, Kathryn, don't want you to be bound by a promise."

"But I plan on getting this ship home soon. Then we can be together."

"We've already been travelling for almost six years. I know you'll get this ship home, I don't doubt that, but the question is when. It could take the rest of our lives."

"It won't," Kathryn replied. "We're already half way there. All we're looking at is two or three more years at most..."

"Perhaps, but we don't know that."

Kathryn's face hardened, hurt and frustration consuming her, and she stepped away from him. "This isn't really about when we'll get home, is it? It's about you not wanting to wait. You'd rather take women who care nothing for you to your bed than wait for me..."

Chakotay seized her gently. "You know I'm not like that, Kathryn. I would wait for you forever. And I would promise you forever right now, right this second. But I don't want that for you. It's not because I don't love you enough, but because I do. I love you so much. And I want you to be happy. I want you to have everything our love denies you. I want you to have someone to hold you and comfort you and love you every day of your life."

Kathryn wrapped her arms around his broad neck and held him tight, trying to stifle the tears. "I want that for you too, Chakotay. I just wish I could be all that you need. So much I wish it. And all I want to do right now is to hold you and kiss you and take all your pain away..."

Chakotay gently stroked her hair, savouring the feel of the woman he loved in his arms. "As I have for you, many, many times. But it wouldn't be right, Kathryn. We both know that."

Kathryn drew slowly away from him and another tear ran down her cheek as she looked into eyes. "I can't bear to think what they did to you... All this talk of the future but we're forgetting the present. You can't deal with what happened alone. I won't let you..."

"I'll be alright, Kathryn."

"You were tortured, Chakotay. And if you know me, then I know you. I know you're hurting."

At that, Chakotay lowered his eyes and Kathryn put her hand to his cheek.

"And I want to be here for you, Chakotay. Just like I know you would be here for me. And if it was me, if they had taken me instead of you, then you would be in my quarters now, talking to me, comforting me, being the rock you always are for me. My love for you is no less." She paused and took both his hands in hers. "I'm not going to desert you in your hour of need. No way. So, if you want me to leave, you're going to have to throw me out. Which, comparing my size to yours, may not seem a difficult task. But I'm warning you. I'll put up a hell of a fight."

At this, Chakotay smiled and then laughed softly. Kathryn laughed too and the laughter broke the thick tension.

Then Kathryn spoke. "How about we continue the game of chess we started last week?"

Chakotay nodded. "Sounds good."

Kathryn smiled, and Chakotay picked up his robe. As he was putting it on, Kathryn walked towards the door.

"Kathryn..."

At the sound of her name, Kathryn turned around. Chakotay was looking at her, so much warmth and gratitude in his eyes.

"Thank you."

Kathryn smiled in return, conveying everything she wanted too without a single word.

Then she turned to leave again and Chakotay followed.

**The End**


End file.
